Throwback Thursday

As I've mentioned before, I'm participating in Skinny Meg's Summer Challenge.  Today someone started a Throwback Thursday thread with some before and after pictures.  I happen to be wearing a dress that I bought in October and I knew I had a picture on my phone from when I bought it (that I sent to my sister from the store).  I felt okay about the dress when I bought it, wore it to a pre-wedding party for a good friend in December and was happy with it.

Well...here's that #tbt picture.

Just a little bit of a difference.

Seeing this picture has actually made me a little angry and upset.  Adam and I got married about 14 months ago.  I felt pretty good on our wedding day.  I was about halfway in between the weights in these 2 pictures when we got married.  I felt good, thought I looked good - and in the pictures you can really see how happy I am - that's what matter right?

Well...losing the weight has been hard.  But doing it with Adam has also been fun.  Why didn't I do this before the wedding?  Why didn't I look like my best self when we got married?  I also wish I had looked like I do now for my friend Jennifer's wedding in January.  I felt uncomfortable in my skin then.  While I had some clothes that made me feel great, I wasn't happy.  I wish I had been.  I feel like the fat unhappy bridesmaid in her wedding pictures and that makes me sad.

I'm trying to concentrate on moving forward and not concentrating on the things I can't change.  I can't go back and re-do those days, and there are a lot of great pictures where I'm beaming with happiness on my wedding day and on Jennifer's.

I know I wasn't ready for this journey before or I would have done it sooner.  I needed to do this because I wanted to, because I was ready.  If I'd done it for my wedding or because I felt like I had to it probably wouldn't have stuck - in fact I know it wouldn't have, I lost 10ish pounds before my wedding and then gained it all back plus a bit right after.  I'm determined that this time it's going to stick.  I'm not going to be the girl from October again.

I know this is a little rambly but this Throwback Thursday has thrown me for a little bit of a loop and I just wanted to share my thoughts and get them down on 'paper'.